His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
