I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
