Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
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I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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