Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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