I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
