Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
