exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
