she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
