How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
