He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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