There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
