Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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