I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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