I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
