you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
