Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
