I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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