my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
