My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
