there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
