How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
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I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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