I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
