I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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