I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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