The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
