you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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