your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
