Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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