remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize