My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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