I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
