Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
