Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
