In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
