I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I got inside last night via doggy door
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
