Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
