I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
