We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
