I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
