Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
