Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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