Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
