We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
