Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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