I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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