When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
