they need to just BURY HIM!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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