YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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