Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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