My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
