i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize