I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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