Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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