I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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