so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
