I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
