if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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